Boys Dont Bitch!!

PV 7: Another Paaji to the group

2006-04-02T00:13:00.000-08:00

Here's the email Daagu sent to welcome Nagpal to the group. Another stellar member of the married gang, nagu has since moved on to become an energy trader. Not too long before he forms his own enron and becomes a gazillionairre. Once he is famous, we can all interview with the newpapers and tell the story of how he drove to Pittsburg in the middle of the night to get a suit from Bhawna, just so he could wear it to the Onboarding at Capital One the next day.....

-----Original Message-----

From: Daga, Mitesh

Sent: Wednesday, May 28, 2003 9:14 AM

To:

Subject: Another PAAJI® to the group
Paajis®,

It gives me immense pleasure in announcing the addition of a BRAND NEW paaji® to the group.

Himanshu Nagpal joins CapitalOne yesterday as a Business Analyst with Lifestyles. Batra/Dhanno paaji®, please make adequate arrangements to Welcome the new ‘Chinese’ BA to your team. Himanshu brings with him a “rich” experience from Schlumberger in Nigeria (pun intended) and Arthur Andersen in Chennai.

Himanshu was my batchmate at IIT, Delhi and was well-respected at campus…even by females (unlike me). It was at IIT where he found his present wife…BHAWNA.
Inspite of severe distractions caused by her, Himanshu still managed to be our Dept topper and a Silver Medallist …I still wonder how? BTW, for those of you who have been trying to find out from me what Chemical Engineering is all about, here’s your man…go grab him.

In the last 4 days that Himanshu has been in the US now, we have ensured that he is well-assimilated in the Paaji culture. Some highlights:
1) He did reach for his onboarding in a formal business suit with tie….hahaha….that was victim#2 for us after we initiated this new Paaji® tradition with Chuggie last month. J BTW, if anyone of you happen to see him around, please do not forget to ask him on how does it feel to walk around in a Suit in Capitalone….hahaha…rolling with laughter.
2) We took him on a ‘Around the East Coast in 12 hours’ trip day before yesterday night…drove from DC to Pittsburgh to DC to Richmond in less than 12 hours starting at night & ending straight into the onboarding class next morning. It all started with his fear to get on to the Interstate…needless to say, the fear has disappeared now.
3) Ofcourse, his rental has already been blessed with our ‘Rental Dance’.

Himanshu would be based out of NoVA. And since his wife happens to be at CMU in Pittsburgh, he would be making frequent trips to Pittsburgh….so if you are looking for a ride to Pitts/Cleveland/or half-way drop to Niagara you know whom to contact.

I request the other Paajis® to please take Himanshu through their respective parts of the assimilation program asap.
….Pauda/Tushar paaji®, unfortunately since Himanshu happens to be married and surprisingly his wife still loves him (probably because its been only 4 months now), we would have to skip your portion of the assimilation program on ‘When & How to fold Dollar bills and place them in your mouth’ J

I see Himanshu coming up the learning curve very soon…just one speeding ticket; a rental collision; and submitting a wrong deck to a T5 or higher should help him earn the Paaji® Honour very soon.

Cheers,
Mitesh.

PV 6: The first couple

2006-03-29T19:01:00.000-08:00

A word on Dhanno, the first of the boyzz to make the "leap". He was the original trendsetter, the first one to tie the knot and the inspiration for the rest of the gang.

Dhanno, Congrats on your Chicago Admit! Hope you can also join the blogging community soon!!

-----Original Message-----
From: Sharma, Saurabh
Sent: Tuesday, June 24, 2003 6:29 PM
To: Gupta, Vaibhav; Gupta, Anirudh; Gupta, Tushar; Prakash, Ravi; Mirpuri, Jai; Marfatia, Aashish; Bahukhandi, Sumit; Chhabra, Vipul; Mathur, Shantanu; Daga, Mitesh; Verma, Kapil; Saxena, Vishal; Batra, Gaurav; Nagpal, Himanshu
Subject: Lend me ur ears

Hi everyone,
Some of you know and some of you don't. So here's the official version:-
Me and my long time sweetheart (yeah, its been a long & interesting journey - 4 years, 9 months and 22 days - AND COUNTING!!) Neha Mantri are going to get engaged on the upcoming July 4 long weekend.
We'll be having a late afternoon / early evening ring ceremony at the rajdhani temple followed by a booze bash. After that am planning for a day+night at shenandoah national park, with campfires, spooky stories, crazy dancing, trash talking et al. If that isn't feasible, might suggest going to an amusement park. Other suggestions are most welcome. (Conditions: at least one day, not too much of a drive: ppl coming from Chicago)
I'll be sending the details shortly, once I get the go ahead from the "pujari" at the temple. Till then, please mark your july 4 weekend. Plan to wrap everything up by noon July 6 so that those who want to leave early can do so. For the rest, the party continues….
Saurabh aka dhanno

PV 5: Vintage Daga

2006-03-27T22:08:00.000-08:00

"Kifayati" Dagu at his best. In case all that poetry leaves you confused, the gist of the story is that he shaved his head so he can save the money he spends on haircuts every month...

-----Original Message-----
From: Daga, Mitesh
Sent: Tuesday, April 08, 2003 4:44 PM
To:
Subject: "Ande ka funda"
This is a TRUE LIFE incident...all the characters in this story are ABSOLUTELY REAL and BEAR RESEMBLENCE to whomever is being talked about.
"Ande ka Funda"
Banane wale ne bhi kya cheez banayi hal baal
Aap jaisa chahe kar sakte hai unka haal
Chahe rakho chhote ya lagao gel & cream
Mann kare to paint kar do unhein red, yellow or green
Lekin sach kehta hu har mahine dil karta hai beep-beep
Jab baal katwane ke liye dene padte hai 13 dollar aur 2 dollar tip
Iss baar meine socha ki paise bachana ????????????
Bhaiya, sar mein clipper ghumana kaunsa bada kaam hai
Yehi soch ke mein daud kar Walmart se clipper laaya
Afsos! ki yeh experiment meine apne upar hi chalaya
Jab 4 aur 2 number ke clipper se baat nahi bani
Toh meine bina comb ke hi clipper chalane ki thaani
Bade enthu se meine direct clipper try kiya
Uske baad jab sheesha dekha to zor se cry kiya
Meine socha ab mein logo ko kya muh dikhaunga
Apna mazaak uddne se kaise bachaunga
Doston ne poocha ki teri apne baalo se kya dushmani hai?
Ab mein unhein kaise batata ki iss problem ki jad hi Money hai
Sab kehte hai ki bina baal walo ko satate hai bhoot-pret
Par ab pachtawat hot kya jab chidiya chug gayi khet
Yu toh yaha chaaro taraf basant ritu ka chalan hai
Lekin mere jiwan mein to ab patjhad ka aagaman hai
Bas khushi iss baat ki hai ki ab jab paida ho gaya hai ek aur anda
Richmond ke lootere barber(esse)s ka kucch to kam hoga dhanda !!!
...Agar ho sake to iss ganje ke liye bhej dena thoda chanda

PV 4: Rang Manch

2006-03-27T10:58:00.000-08:00

Another email, another venture by the boyzzz. This time, it was a theater company. Everyone was extremely enthu about putting up a Hindi Play. We had a meeting at Sullu's house, where we discussed scripts, roles etc. Srishti even got her mom to bring scripts with her from India.

And then Jutta sent out this email. And things were never the same again.... Am I the only one who sees the irony in the last sentence? :)

-----Original Message-----
From: Mirpuri, Jai
Sent: Tuesday, March 16, 2004 4:18 PM
To: Mirpuri, Jai
Subject: [Rang Manch] Meeting this Thursday
Hi everyone,
I'd first like to apologize for not being at the meeting last Friday. There were a few other people missing too and while it's not expected that you will be able to attend all the meetings I believe we should all try to attend as regularly as possible.
The purpose behind these meetings is not to just spend time talking about doing something and going away feeling important that we had a meeting. It's imperative that we get some traction on some of the things that we've been talking about. I definitely don't want this to be something that I look back upon and realize that it just fizzled out.
I must admit that I was surprised to see so many people show active interest in the idea but now that all of you have, it’s critical that we move forward and keep the interest alive rather than let things stagnate and see the idea die a slow, painful death.
In that vein, lets meet this Thursday. I propose that we meet at 2230 George C Marshall Dr. #1012 (Ravi and Anirudh's place). It's convenient and some of you will stay back to watch the match there in any case. Ravi and Ani - let me know if you have any issues with this so that I can re-schedule. Let's meet at 2030 hours and the meeting should last for about an hour and a half. I believe Anirudh is hosting a pre-match informal party after that and I further believe that all of you are the guests. Ani- correct me if I'm wrong.
Here's what I hope to achieve in this meeting:
Pravin will give us an update on the situation with Asha DC. He did mention an event in July which we can shoot to perform at.
I'd like to see a few scripts at the meeting. Some of you mentioned names so please do your best to bring scripts. Others who have ideas for scripts bring them along as well. Please inform me by tomorrow evening as to what scripts you're bringing so that I know we have things to talk about during the meeting (Don't make copies for everyone - Let's try not to waste paper!)
I want to also talk a little more about responsibilities. Some of you are actors/actresses and the others are going to play a role in the production of the play. We need to assess how we can position ourselves to best use the talent pool we have
I know that all of this sounds very formal but we need to start thinking professional if we want to be anywhere close to professional. I'm going to be organizing these meetings going forward. We'll have them on an adhoc basis as and when there are things we need to discuss. We will also try and break out responsibilities so that every single person doesn't have to be involved with all aspects of the production which should lead to people spending time working on their areas of expertise.
One last comment. This agenda may not be aligned with what many of you thought the agenda of this group would be when you decided to join. Ravi - this was your brainchild and I hope I'm not hi-jacking the concept and converting it into something that it was not meant to be. I'd appreciate everyone's view on this. Send your replies to me and we'll talk more in the meeting on Thursday so that we can avoid spam.
I also promise that going forward things will be as informal as we can be. :o)
Jai Mirpuri

PV 3: And here comes Maggu

2006-03-26T00:19:00.000-08:00

The most colorful, lively and enthu of the boyzzz. Known for his immaculate planning and his impossibly hopeless execution. Here's Maggu at his finest. He made 3 seperate plans and executed exactly none of them :)

-----Original Message-----
From: Mathur, Shantanu
Sent: Friday, September 05, 2003 8:54 AM
To:
Cc: Mathur, Shantanu
Subject: Weekend masty at lake anna state park ??
Good morning guys,
Looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong bloomin time since all of us got together and maroed some masty. So kya kahtey ho..is it time for awesome food and masty again !!!
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS !!!
Yaar, heard the weekend weather is good in this area so got 2 suggestions for everyone
1) Lake Anna state park ! Heard good things about it. Its in Fredericksburgh and so is convenient too. Things to do
hiking
volley
bbq ( Yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeee)
sit and chat
Was not thinking of an overnight plan, though open to that. Would prefer a day program.
2) James river in Richmond- go to the body surfing rapids area. Bbq and fun in the sun. (same activities except hiking as above)
3) Natural bridge near Charlottesville beautiful area, great drives and great hiking
So vote in guys and comeon show some enthu !!!
Cheers
Shantanu

PV 2: You can run..

2006-03-25T23:52:00.000-08:00

And here comes R2, the king of trash-talking. This email goes back to Jan 2005 when all the boyzzz joined the same Gym and duly started playing Squash.

"Booby" never became popular (Lucky Paddo). And R2, what happened to the "Godzilla"? :)

-----Original Message-----
From: Prakash, Ravi
Sent: Wednesday, January 05, 2005 11:03 AM
To: Batra, Gaurav; Gupta, Anirudh; Mathur, Shantanu; 'Vaibhav Gupta'; Sharma, Saurabh; Mirpuri, Jai
Cc: Shekhawat, Pradeep
Subject: You can run..
… but can not hide!!
The Godzilla of squash has arrived - promising to squash you all to a pulp (with some mighty swings and some delicate touches.. Aha.. Aha.. Aha..)
Booby got the first taste of the Godzilla thrashing - poor poor Booby.. (Godzilla weeps from him.. Booohoo booohooo…)
PS:
Scoreline
4-9; 9-4; 9-2; 7-9; 9-7

PV 1: ...And then I woke up

2006-03-25T23:47:00.000-08:00

I think its highly appropriate to start this chain with one of Polo's all time classic emails. The most "happening" member of the boyzz community, Polo has been sorely missed over the last couple of years here in DC. Here's to you buddy, hope you are having fun in Paris!!!

-----Original Message-----
From: Gupta, Vaibhav
Sent: Monday, January 05, 2004 10:28 AM
To: Prakash, Ravi; Tambay, Gautam; Batra, Gaurav; Bhuchar, Abhimanyu
Cc: Ho, Sunny; Saxena, Vishal; Daga, Mitesh; Bhatnagar, Amit; Chugh, Vikram; Mathur, Shantanu; Gupta, Anirudh; Mirpuri, Jai; Bhoot, Ashutosh; Mantri, Neha; Sharma, Saurabh; Wu, Faline; Engin, Elcin; Liu, Yao; Tsai, Daniel; Aranguren, Javier; Nawab, Rahul; Swamy, Krishnan; Fan, Catherine; Jenkins, Fritz
Subject: .. Then I woke up..
Sorry for spamming you all on Monday morning but I am sure this will make a nice read. Imagine, This is only 2 hours of our Miami trip. Imagine how long will the email be if we tell you about all of the trip.. ;)
On the way back from Miami, Gautam was driving the car. Gaurav was sitting on the front seat. Myself, Ravi and Buchar were sitting in the back seat. The three of us were sleeping in the back seat and that is when it started. All of us woke up as soon as it started so we none of us missed the fun.. :)
I heard the sound of car driving on the shoulder and woke up immediately. The first sight was - my car swerving on I-95 at a speed of 85 miles per hour. From the left shoulder, it swerved all the way to the rightmost lane and went off the intertstate. It slipped down for 5 meters down a grassy slope and then ascended about 3 meters. Then I could see grass on all sides of the car. Now I knew that we have slipped into the trees. All of us were waiting for the one final blow that would bring the car to stop. The final blow came. Luckily, our car hit the tree sideways and came to a stop.
Can you believe it, not a single person hurt. Except for Buchi who got a small scratch on his knee. It happened near Daytona beach. Cops gave us a ride to Hertz rental at the Daytona beach airport from where we picked up the rental.
Things I will miss about my car
1. The lock that opened only from the passenger side that made girls think - "What a gentleman. Always opens the door for me."
2. The automatic seat belts
And many more things. I do not want to start the list here..
Positives I realized right after the accident
1. The biggest incentive - If I rent the car in my name, I get to drive all the way back from Daytona beach to DC. Too bad, I had to share it with Gaurav. :)
2. The confusion of whether I should buy a new car or I should get a new music system in the same car is gone. I'll get a new car
Positives I realized later on
1. The girl at the counter of Hertz rental was soooo pretty. While I was trying to rent the car, she was hitting on me.. ;) She wouldn't get a chance to see me if..
2. When I brought the rental car and stopped near the accident spot, I realized that there was a wide and deep drain of water about 25 meters from where our car stopped. If only we slipped a second later on 95..
This is what happened. Because of fog and low visibility, Gautam missed a merge sign. While the lanes were merging, there was a big trailer in the next lane. That is why the car went on the shoulder and he lost control. Could have happened to anyone. Even the most experienced drivers. I am impressed by the way everyone handled the situation. No panic, no screaming. Only logical thinking by everyone. Esp the driver - Mr. Gautam Tambay.. Good show guys!!
I will stop here and let you all pass on your condolences to me. Please feel free to stop by my cube and share with me your sorrow upon the sad demise of my car.. :)
A very excited..
Polo
PS: Is aby of your friend selling a car? ;)
PPS: While we were driving in the Camry, I lied to everyone that I bought a Camry. Wanted to show the car to everyone and then unfold the true story. Too bad, had to return the car early in the morning. Can't play that prank anymore. I am surprised - Most of you believed that I can buy a Camry. :(
PPS: Please circulate this email to my friends whom I might have missed in the list above.. :)

Pauda's Vault (PV): An Introduction

2006-03-25T23:36:00.000-08:00

A while back, I attended one of the most painful training sessions of my life. It was a mandatory session, so I had no choice in the matter. The subject matter was dull and the best I could hope for was to get some work done while tuning out of the instructor's dull monologue.

Not feeling particularly motivated, I decided to clean up my mailbox instead. My personal folders were getting pretty big and it was taking outlook quite a while to start-up, so I thought I would break them down into smaller files and sort all of my relevant mails.

While sorting through my emails, I was suddenly overwhelmed by a strong feeling of nostalgia. What I ended up doing was starting a series of email conversations titled PV. I forwarded the most memorable of emails to all the boyzzz. Before I knew it, all the boyzz started catching up and sending out emails of their own. It got to a point where over a course of six hours, none of us did any work.

I still have all those emails filed away, in a folder titled "nostalgia". Over the course of the next few weeks, I will post all these emails on the website, if only in the hope that it will revive this blog like it revived the entire gang last year.

Here we go...

Sunset

2006-03-24T08:34:00.000-08:00

Soemthing to get this blog started again

Champu Vs Dead Chicken

2005-10-02T08:16:00.000-07:00

Lunchtime is a major milestone in the everyday lives of corporate biyatches. They look forward to it like Lawrence of Arabia seeked oases in the Sahara.

A lot of biyatches think about lunchtime as a speed-bump. Champu (our model corporate biyaatch), cautiously slows down in his approach to the bump, believing that the post lunch propulsion will see him through to the checkered flag in time. The approach is filled with a gazillion glances on his watch, and last minute email checks. Then lunch happens. The post lunch propulsion - what's up with that dude!

The less is said about the quality of food in Champu's lunch-place, the better it is. Sometimes (and it doesn't happen very often), Champu does manage to find some good chicken. But alas! It is not boneless! This leaves poor Champu in a strange dilemma. Either he can compromise further and move to the burrito queue, or he can pick up the knife and fork and battle it out with the (already dead) chicken.

Should Champu choose to take on the dead chicken, he knows that he will loose. He will summon all of his modest dexterity, and chop and knife the meat out from the bones. In the end, there will still be those little menacing lumps of meat, that will cling to thin chicken bones, and mock at his defeat. Being a corporate biyatch, he will not have the courage to stoop further down, pick up the bones, and go slurrrppppp. He will loose.

Poor champu looks at the chicken, accepts his defeat, and moves on to the burrito queue. Life's a biyaatch and then Champu dies!!

Confucius Says ...

2005-09-24T18:08:00.000-07:00

It being my first post on Boys Dont Bitch!! I thought I should share some gyaan ... (this apart from being promo placement for my Blog Confuscius says...) So here goes ...

Confucius says ... Man who go to bed with question of sex on mind wake up with solution in hand

Let us not fool ourselves ... when it comes to the bitches ... boyz are the ones who do them!

Boyzz go Philosophical

2005-09-19T12:36:00.000-07:00

In their “Khelne Koodne ki Umar”, this Hip-Hop loving, Cartman adoring, Dhoni worshipping gang has started writing philosophical discourses on issues as profound as “happiness”.

Kwatra, in his thought provoking and long essay, declares that personal “happiness” is the only driver of all human actions. For example, one donates because "it makes one feel like a king" leading to happiness. (The world is waiting for part 2 of his thesis where he will define what happiness is. Details in thought provoking long essay )

Karthik asserts that “happiness” is a purely a function of success one has relative to one’s peers/friends. He goes on to suggest that if someone wants to be happy, he/she should have loser friends and co-workers. (If interested, read more in theory of relative happiness )

Both these posts are depressing and are as close to truth as a blog can be (whatever that means).

Champu's Adventure

Champu produces a report and takes it to his manager.

[Remember: You cannot cane someone for generating a piece of shit in corporate world]

Manager (at his “people sensitive best”): “I am not happy with this report”
Champu:“I can understand. Reports, in general, do not provide much happiness. Why don’t you seek happiness by meditating in Himalayas”
Manager: “Can you close your eyes and turn around, that will make me truly happy"
Champu(back to senses, attempting some damage control): “Can I instead change font size and add colors to the chart in the report"

Predictably, Champu gets fired the next day.

Karthik is glad to have friends like Champu.

The Gh0d..

2005-09-15T13:15:00.000-07:00

It was the summer of 2002 and I had just finished the 8th and final semester @IITD. I couldn’t wait to get out and celebrate my freedom from the institute which had taken up 4 years of my life with no apparent benefit for me. Little did I know at that time that virtually every thing I will ever accomplish in my life would be due to the experiences and people I came across at this amazing campus in South Delhi. Hhhmm..but anyway, that is a topic for a future post..not this one!

Going back to the summer of 2002, one of the ways I was planning to enjoy my new found freedom, was to check out the Delhi nightlife, which until then I didn’t have too high a regard for..but boy, was I in for a surprise or what!! My Kind of Place (or MKOP as it was called in the “cooler” circles) was the first club I ever stepped foot into and I don’t regret it to this date. I was having a ball with all the Indi-pop, bhangra music pounding in my head..when suddenly the DJ put on a number which went like..

”..Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go shawty
It's your birthday
We gon' party like it's yo birthday
We gon' sip Bacardi like it's your birthday
And you know we don't give a fuck
It's not your birthday!..”

I don’t know if it was the alcohol or just the fact that I was in the “I don’t give a fuck” mood (IDGAF mood), but I just couldn’t get this song out of my head for the next week. This song pulled me towards the phenomenon called Hip-Hop at a time when all the peer pressure was pushing me to listen to the Pink Floyd’s and REM’s of the world.

Since that time, I started following Hip-Hop as religiously as anything else I have ever done in my life. This exploration led to listening to some real gems from greats like 2pac (Changes, California Love), Jay Z (Encore), Biggie (Hyptonize), Eminem (Lots…), etc. But with all due respect to these folks, IMHO none of them comes even close to Curtis Jackson better known as 50 cent (For the uninitiated..Pronounced as “Fitty”).

It is difficult to relate to his work, his lyrics or his music naturally, because most of us
1. Weren’t born into a Queen’s drugs dynasty
2. Have not been drug dealers in our life
3. Have yet to be shot 9 times, with one bullet straight at our faces
4. Are yet to churn out multi-platinum albums after recovering from the above mentioned incident.

But nonetheless, I find it hard to believe how someone can not be impressed with his work (or even just the album names) like Get Rich or Die Tryin’ and Massacre. Here are a few snippets..

“..All a nigga really need is a lil bit,
not a lot baby girl just a lil bit..
we can head to the crib in a lil bit..
I can show you how I live in a lil bit,
I wanna unbutton your pants just a lil bit,
take 'em off pull em down just a lil bit,
get to kissin' and touchin' a lil bit...
get to licking.. in a lil bit...”

OR

“..You can have it your way, how do you want it
You gon' back that thing up or should i push up on it
Temperature rising, okay lets go to the next level
Dance floor jam packed, hot as a teakettle
I'll break it down for you now, baby it's simple
If you be a nympho, I'll be a nympho
In the hotel or in the back of the rental
On the beach or in the park, it's whatever you into..”

OR

“..You can find me in the club, bottle full of bub
Look mami I got the X if you into taking drugs
I'm into having sex, I ain't into making love
So come give me a hug if you into to getting rubbed..”

Call it ignorance or a lack of taste or whatever..as far as I am concerned, he is the only worthwhile artist on the radio these days. So quit wasting your time reading posts like this and get yourself a couple of his CDs. ;)

People Sensitive II - The Perils of Brain Storming

2005-09-08T00:25:00.000-07:00

Since I am not smart enough to come up with a new blog, I am going to shamelessly build on R2's. This, in the corporate world, is called "aligning ourselves with project XYZ", essentially hijacking someone else's work by presenting it as your own, taking all the credit.

More on that later. For now, here's something to ponder: Ever sat in a meeting where, to describe it in Captain Willard's words, the bullshit was piling up so fast you needed wings to stay above it? That is exactly what happens in a brainstorming session. It is a corporate license for normally sane people to come up with as many insane ideas as they wish, without any fear of repercussions.

We had one in the not-too-distant past, to think about ways to better understand what makes a customer open up a piece of mail, when they are certain its another unwanted credit card offer. Here are some gems which continue to haunt my dreams:

Smart Ass 1: Lets mail products to each of our neighbors, install secret video cameras in their front yards and then tape their reactions when they open their mailbox.

Smart Ass 2: That's great! We can go one better - How about we target high rise apartments? All the residents in those buildings have mailboxes in the same room. That way, we can maximize the number of customer reactions we can capture for every secret camera that we set-up. Those things are expensive!

Smart Ass 3: Wait, how are we going to know if they opened our mail piece or not? We definitely need to install something like a sensor in every envelope, which sends back a signal whenever the envelope is opened.

Smart Ass 1: How about a push based strategy? We should poison the water supply in every major city and offer an antidote only if people tell us exactly what makes them respond to a credit card offer. Everyone would be dying to give us that information!!

Me: Eh, was that pun intentional?

Okay, so not all of this is real. In fact, only one of those smart-ass comments was actually made (wanna guess which one? :-) But the point is, every time you head into one of these sessions, you are putting yourself into a life threatening situation. The Lesson? Next time you get a harmless looking invite for a "brainstorming session", think twice before accepting it. Even if it promises free lunch.

Casual Days

2005-09-07T12:20:00.000-07:00

In most companies, managers want employees to work harder with lesser pay, while the employees want the exact opposite. Typically faced with a tight budget to reward high performers, managers across corporate America have had to come up with innovative ways of showing their appreciation, without actually spending any money.

Probably the most widely used of these innovations is the "casual day". This is a brilliant concept that involves giving the appreciated employees or teams the permission to wear casual clothes to work. It is designed to fool even the most cynical people into believing that they are being rewarded and their efforts are appreciated. It doesn't cost a thing, makes employees happy (yes, there are still some people out there who get excited by another casual day) and lifts morale (supposedly).

Of course, employees have their own ways of getting back at management. A particular team, awarded a full month of casual dress, came up with this innovative way to celebrate

COMPETITION!!!

Have you never won anything? Never won any kind of competition? Didn't even make the sports or academic teams at your high school? Never good enough to finish at the top of your class? Or to win in Vegas?

If so, you're probably sad, knowing you won't have any stories to tell your children or grandchildren of your past glory because you didn't have any.

But here's your second chance!!!

This FRIDAY we will be having the Casual Month Casual Friday Competition. By adjusting your casualness on Friday in comparison to the rest of the casual week, you could be crowned MCE (Most Casual Employee), and finally have something to be proud off. Casual attire must be worn for entire day.

Good luck this Friday,

Pa-blow (name changed to conceal identity)

This particular competition resulted in a number of people showing up for work in their PJs, torn jeans, bathroom slippers and all sorts of assorted casualwear. Another few of these and managers will start thinking twice before announcing a casual day. If we continue to sabotage such non-rewarding "rewards" we might some day see someone get a real gift certificate, or a salary increase, in response to a job well done!

Amen

Adventures of Champu (The Analyst) - 2

2005-09-06T21:37:00.000-07:00

Champu is happy today. Generally happy.
[everyone knows that Champu likes to solve unsolved mysteries when he is “Generally Happy”]

Today he picks up the famous problem – “Which of the IITs is better, Bombay or Delhi?” India Today tried to solve this problem a few years back. People preferred to use that edition to wipe their asses after they rated Jadhavpur University above IIT Delhi

Champu wants to settle this age old debate for once and all. In a flash of brilliance, he Googles “IIT Bombay” and “IIT Delhi”.

Results:

IIT Bombay is way ahead as compared to IIT Delhi (376,000 results to 150,000 results) The curious kid that Champu is, he dived deeper with his analysis

“IIT Bombay”, academics – “IIT Delhi”, academics: 43, 900 – 989!!

IIT Bombay Rocks!! but wait..

“IIT Bombay”, girls – “IIT Delhi”, girls: 9780 – 14,100

“IIT Bombay”, sex – “IIT Delhi”, sex: 624 – 10,000!!!!!!!!

Champu reaches an insightful conclusion “IIT Bombay is better overall, esp. good in academics. But Delhi guys have all the fun”

Adventures of Champu (The Analyst) - 1

2005-09-06T20:42:00.000-07:00

[I am creating a fictitious character called Champu, loosely based on the characters of all the Boyzz. Champu is an engineer by education and is now working as a junior-most analyst in a consultancy firm.
Most of the incidents mentioned in these posts would be true. Some of the posts may end up being incredibly geeky (including this one), reader’s discretion is advised]
*******************************************

A very tiny Champu is standing inside an Excel cell trying to make sense of the number in that particular cell. He starts “tracing precedence” and moves from one cell to another using the trace marks. He will not give up until he reaches the original source. He needs to understand everything. After a long journey which involves moving through 5 workbooks, 74 worksheets and 3200 cells – Champu is understandably tired and confused.

And then the unimaginable happens.

Excel hangs up! All the walls around Champu begin to crumble and close on him. He is trapped and about to be crushed!

*A loud Scream*

Champu wakes up after yet another Excel Nightmare!

From Dusk Till Dawn

2005-08-31T19:33:00.000-07:00

Caught "From Dusk Till Dawn" on DVD recently, its been a while since I saw it. I continue to be amazed why this never became a cult classic (or maybe it did, I just dont know it). It has everything going for it: amzingly funny dialogue, Clooney in top form and, of course, "the dance".
The movie teaches us about a lot of things. It tell us how to:

1. Negotiate: "Well, your best better get a hell of a lot fucking better, or you are gonna feel a hell of a lot fucking worse."

2. Pick up chicks: "So what's your name, darlin'? Kate. What's yours? Sex Machine, pleased to meet you."

3. Pick up some more chicks: "What's going on? We're having a wet bikini contest, and you just won. "

4. Be People Sensitive: "He ain't your brother no more. Well, that's a matter of opinion and I don't give a fuck about yours. "

5. Market a product:
"Pussy, pussy, pussy! All pussy must go. At the Titty Twister we're slashing pussy in half! This is a pussy blow out! Make us an offer on our vast selection of pussy! We got white pussy, black pussy, Spanish pussy, yellow pussy, hot pussy, cold pussy, wet pussy, tight pussy, big pussy, bloody pussy, fat pussy, hairy pussy, smelly pussy, velvet pussy, silk pussy, Naugahyde pussy, snappin' pussy, horse pussy, dog pussy, chicken pussy, fake pussy! If we don't have it, you don't want it!
Attention pussy shoppers! Take advantage of our penny pussy sale! If you buy one piece of pussy at the regular price, you get another piece of pussy of equal or lesser value for only a penny! Try and beat pussy for a penny! If you can find cheaper pussy anywhere, fuck it! "

Yup, cant beat that! Actually you can. If you have a snake-clad Salma Hayek, dancing voluptuosly on screen for 5 mins, it pretty much tops everything else in the movie. This was the scene that catapaulted her to stardom. If you havent seen it already, its one of those "not to be missed" experiences. Although its kind of ironic that she turns into a vampire and bites some poor guy's head off. Thats what we boyz deserve - we fall for good looking girls and they turn into vampires and suck our bloods. Waahhh.....

One final thought - Quentin Tarantino, the good director that he is, cant act worth shit. This is another one of those wooden performnaces that he insists on fostering upon us. What would it take for him to realize he is better off staying behind the camera?

And I leave you with this final classic from the movie.

Salma Hayek (after turning into a vampire): I'm not gonna drain you completely. You're gonna turn for me. You'll be my slave. You'll live for me. You'll eat bugs because I order it. Why? Because I don't think you're worthy of human blood. You'll feed on the blood of stray dogs. You'll be my foot stool. And at my command, you'll lick the dog shit from my boot heel. Since you'll be my dog, your new name will be "Spot". Welcome to slavery.
George Clooney: No, thanks. I've already had a wife.
[shoots her]

Cartman for President

2005-08-31T14:26:00.000-07:00

Seriously, would anyone be against this? Aside from that fact that he is an 8yr old kid, has a crack whore for a mom and hates Jews, is there anything wrong with his candidacy? He packs quite a punch in that chubby frame of his, with an attitude to boot. Here are some Cartman classics from over the years...

Cartman: I've learned something too: selling out is sweet because when you sell out, you get to make a lot of money, and when you have money, you don't have to hang out with a bunch of poor asses like you guys. Screw you guys, I'm going home.

--------

Cartman: Why does Grandma have to live so far away? Why don't we just stick her in a nursing home closer to us so I don't have to drive six hours to get a god-damned present!

--------

Stan: You guys, I'm getting that John Elway football helmet for Christmas.

Cartman: How do you know?

Stan: 'Cause I looked in my parents' closet last night.

Cartman: Yeah, well I sneaked around my mum's closet too and saw what I'm getting. The Ultravibe Pleasure 2000.

Stan: What's that?

Cartman: I don't know but it sounds pretty sweet.

--------

Stan: You're my super best friend, Kyle.

Kyle: You're my super best friend, Stan.

Cartman: Oh, that's so sweet you guys. You two want to get a room so you can make out for a while?

----------

[Cartman's favorite "psalm"]

Cartman: It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation, this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.

The Cowboy

2005-08-31T04:51:00.000-07:00

Dhoni completely off-ground while executing a square-cuttish pull!!)

“Hum roj teen leeter doodh peete hain (I drink three litres of Milk everyday)”.

Dhoni personifies what Bihar is all about – raw, aggressive and down to earth. All of a sudden, Biharis all over the world are walking a few inches taller, finally having found a role model.

Dhoni phenomenon is just waiting to happen – I envision:

Patna Cowboys will become the most glamorous Cricket Franchise (once Cricket gets Americanized enough)
Doodh (Milk) bars will be the coolest hangout place for the hip and happening
Bihari Guys will become the hottest thing in the dating circle
Parents would rush to name their kids Doodhnath

(Dhoni waiting impatiently to blast the ball, in a golfish way. Notice his backswing and bend in the knees)

People Sensitive

2005-08-30T07:56:00.000-07:00

You got to be “people sensitive” in Corporate America. This extreme fascination towards people sensitivity encourages an exciting cow-dung war at workplace. People know that they can Bull Shit/Beat around the Bush/Speak Nonsense/Make obvious and trivial statements without any fear of getting castrated.

There are a few standard ways of disagreeing at work. One always starts the response with:
1. “That’s a great point” or
2. “I completely agree” or
3. “I think we are on the same page” – and then

1. completely ignore the original point, or
2. make exactly the opposite point with utmost casualness

Somewhat fashionable but tricky:
Start the sentence with a “Yes and No”, agree with a trivial point to begin with and then rip apart rest of the argument

Example 1:

Intern: We can significantly boost the response to our offers if we make it sound like a request -> “Please, accept our credit cards, we will be grateful”

Veteran: That’s a great idea!! Keep making notes of all the ideas you have right now – infact, why don’t you pioneer an idea bank where everyone can deposit one’s ideas?

Intern (all fired up!): How about almost pleading to the customers -> “Please, please pleeease……

(My first manager actually told me to make “Idea Notes” when he was fed up with my never-ending stupid brainwaves)

Example 2:

Intern: Lets Fedex our mail offers to customers in big parcels and gift wrap them. Customers will certainly respond!!
Veteran: I completely agree! We should cut marketing cost by sending 3rd class recycled postcards

Example 3:

Veteran: I believe we should have customers - from all over the world and become a global player. Do you agree?

Big Boss: Yes and No. I completely agree that we should have customers. We would however focus on fairway county for the next ten years

I Wish

I wish workplace conversations went something like this:

Veteran: I am proposing a paradigm shift that would dynamically alter the consumer landscape!!
Intern: Maa C**** Hai? (F** U)

Stake up their ASS!

2005-08-26T14:28:00.000-07:00

In an ideal world, my first post for the Boyzz would have been about a more insightful topic. I would have shared my unadulterated joy being a part of the corporate world and the topic would have been something like Corporate Lingo – III “Return of the Shingle..” or maybe “The Shingle and the Two Towers”. However, fate had something else in mind.

When I woke up today, the first thing I did was to check the score for the India-NZ match and boy didn’t it make me loose all my laziness in a flash..44/8 in 14.2 overs!! I thought to myself..”Are you f***ing kidding me!!!” This wasn’t how it was supposed to pan out. It should have been Sehwag smashing the lame Kiwi bowling attack all over the park or Dhoni cracking the whip as if it was Lalloo smacking his buffalos around. But instead, it was Shane Bond raping the Indian batting order like a rabid dog!

Sitting in my cube, I was fuming as I saw the face saving resistance offered by Pathan and Yadav crumble. It made me wonder..Why haven’t I given up following Indian cricket? Why still a loss against any team makes my blood boil?

Maybe it’s just the fact that being an Indian, I still don’t have anything else to brag about other than our cricket(remember '83!), or maybe its just that I cant comprehend how can a country be so bad at a sport being played every possible ground, road, street in the country..

Anyway, till I figure that out, I will still be following this worthless team around and you may see a post or two show up as and when we start getting our butts kicked around by the Kenya’s and the Zimbabwe’s of world cricket. In the meantime read this article which, I believe, very aptly describes the state of our cricket team.

http://usa.cricinfo.com/videoconseries/content/story/217291.html

Sucks!!

R.I.P. Tabaki

2005-08-26T12:27:00.000-07:00

In memory of Tabaki, the love of my life, who died an untimely death on Saturday, Aug 20th at 10:35am in a road accident.

This is the only picture I have of Tabaki, taken in Feb '05 when I ran him into a shoulder after spinning on the Exit Ramp for 495.

Rest in Peace.

Hang Out One's Shingle - Corporate Lingo - 2

2005-08-22T22:04:00.000-07:00

It’s interesting how all of a sudden a phrase comes from nowhere and becomes almost as popular as party poker. The phrases usually originate from the top and then percolate through the ranks. Within days, even the Tier 7 Desi/Chinese make some guesses as to what the phrases might mean and start using them with an awe-inspiring confidence.

(Aside: Reacting to the post “Stake in the Ground” – someone said, “Dooode, did you check before posting, I think it is “steak in the ground”. Perhaps, to him, putting his steak on the ground symbolizes that he is finished with his lunch and now talking serious business!)

Definition (Well, I did some research this time!)

[Shingle: A wooden board

Hang out one’s Shingle: Open an office, especially a professional practice, as in Bill's renting that office and hanging out his shingle next month. This American colloquialism dates from the first half of the 1800s, when at first lawyers, and later also doctors and business concerns, used shingles for signboards.] Source: Dictionary.com

In our context, I guess, it would mean creating an independent business identity for a team / defining what a team does through some small phrases etc.

Examples:

(I was amongst those who used this phrase with alarming frequency without really understanding it.):

Some Gems:

“We are chasing an ambitious shingle through this project”

“We will hang out a high shingle and then strive to achieve it. Even if we achieve half the shingle, it would be a job well done”

"Stake in the Ground" - Corporate Lingo - 1

2005-08-22T14:40:00.000-07:00

I am starting a series where we would explore the currently “IN” phrases at work

This post features the omni-present phrase “Stake in the Ground”

Now-a-days, ranging from fresh college hires to the Big Bosses, almost everyone has been putting all kinds of stakes in every possible ground. I thought I would do some scholarly research on this phrase, but then decided to leave that for Chintu.

Interpreting it literally, I imagine a medieval warrior (of the leader types) furiously and ferociously forcing a stake through the ground and shouting expletives at the enemy.

In corporate America context, I imagine someone banging the table loud enough to attract everyone else’s attention (shutting them up in the process) and make loud but not necessarily logical statements. Softening it even further, I would guess it means taking a firm position on an issue / assuming ownership etc. etc.

Examples:

“I am putting a stake in the ground, and we will send popcorns with our offers”

“Let us put our stake in the ground, before they put their stake in the ground”

In fact I heard an Indian dude (I won’t reveal identity) saying:
“We will put our stick in the ground”

Well, to give it to him – stick can serve same purpose as stake – just look for a stick with sharp edge (or may be find a soft ground)

I Wish:

When the CRE folks had come to throw us out of the field, Mamu should have confronted them, actually put a real stake in the ground and should have declared “We will play Cricket”

To rub salt, we should have used those stakes as Cricket wickets.