Boyzz go Philosophical

In their “Khelne Koodne ki Umar”, this Hip-Hop loving, Cartman adoring, Dhoni worshipping gang has started writing philosophical discourses on issues as profound as “happiness”.

Kwatra, in his thought provoking and long essay, declares that personal “happiness” is the only driver of all human actions. For example, one donates because "it makes one feel like a king" leading to happiness. (The world is waiting for part 2 of his thesis where he will define what happiness is. Details in thought provoking long essay )


Karthik asserts that “happiness” is a purely a function of success one has relative to one’s peers/friends. He goes on to suggest that if someone wants to be happy, he/she should have loser friends and co-workers. (If interested, read more in theory of relative happiness )

Both these posts are depressing and are as close to truth as a blog can be (whatever that means).

Champu's Adventure

Champu produces a report and takes it to his manager.

[Remember: You cannot cane someone for generating a piece of shit in corporate world]

Manager (at his “people sensitive best”): “I am not happy with this report”
Champu:“I can understand. Reports, in general, do not provide much happiness. Why don’t you seek happiness by meditating in Himalayas”
Manager: “Can you close your eyes and turn around, that will make me truly happy"
Champu(back to senses, attempting some damage control): “Can I instead change font size and add colors to the chart in the report"

Predictably, Champu gets fired the next day.

Karthik is glad to have friends like Champu.

People Sensitive II - The Perils of Brain Storming

Since I am not smart enough to come up with a new blog, I am going to shamelessly build on R2's. This, in the corporate world, is called "aligning ourselves with project XYZ", essentially hijacking someone else's work by presenting it as your own, taking all the credit.

More on that later. For now, here's something to ponder: Ever sat in a meeting where, to describe it in Captain Willard's words, the bullshit was piling up so fast you needed wings to stay above it? That is exactly what happens in a brainstorming session. It is a corporate license for normally sane people to come up with as many insane ideas as they wish, without any fear of repercussions.

We had one in the not-too-distant past, to think about ways to better understand what makes a customer open up a piece of mail, when they are certain its another unwanted credit card offer. Here are some gems which continue to haunt my dreams:

Smart Ass 1: Lets mail products to each of our neighbors, install secret video cameras in their front yards and then tape their reactions when they open their mailbox.

Smart Ass 2: That's great! We can go one better - How about we target high rise apartments? All the residents in those buildings have mailboxes in the same room. That way, we can maximize the number of customer reactions we can capture for every secret camera that we set-up. Those things are expensive!

Smart Ass 3: Wait, how are we going to know if they opened our mail piece or not? We definitely need to install something like a sensor in every envelope, which sends back a signal whenever the envelope is opened.

Smart Ass 1: How about a push based strategy? We should poison the water supply in every major city and offer an antidote only if people tell us exactly what makes them respond to a credit card offer. Everyone would be dying to give us that information!!

Me: Eh, was that pun intentional?

Okay, so not all of this is real. In fact, only one of those smart-ass comments was actually made (wanna guess which one? :-) But the point is, every time you head into one of these sessions, you are putting yourself into a life threatening situation. The Lesson? Next time you get a harmless looking invite for a "brainstorming session", think twice before accepting it. Even if it promises free lunch.

Casual Days

In most companies, managers want employees to work harder with lesser pay, while the employees want the exact opposite. Typically faced with a tight budget to reward high performers, managers across corporate America have had to come up with innovative ways of showing their appreciation, without actually spending any money.

Probably the most widely used of these innovations is the "casual day". This is a brilliant concept that involves giving the appreciated employees or teams the permission to wear casual clothes to work. It is designed to fool even the most cynical people into believing that they are being rewarded and their efforts are appreciated. It doesn't cost a thing, makes employees happy (yes, there are still some people out there who get excited by another casual day) and lifts morale (supposedly).

Of course, employees have their own ways of getting back at management. A particular team, awarded a full month of casual dress, came up with this innovative way to celebrate

COMPETITION!!!

Have you never won anything? Never won any kind of competition? Didn't even make the sports or academic teams at your high school? Never good enough to finish at the top of your class? Or to win in Vegas?

If so, you're probably sad, knowing you won't have any stories to tell your children or grandchildren of your past glory because you didn't have any.

But here's your second chance!!!

This FRIDAY we will be having the Casual Month Casual Friday Competition. By adjusting your casualness on Friday in comparison to the rest of the casual week, you could be crowned MCE (Most Casual Employee), and finally have something to be proud off. Casual attire must be worn for entire day.

Good luck this Friday,

Pa-blow (name changed to conceal identity)

This particular competition resulted in a number of people showing up for work in their PJs, torn jeans, bathroom slippers and all sorts of assorted casualwear. Another few of these and managers will start thinking twice before announcing a casual day. If we continue to sabotage such non-rewarding "rewards" we might some day see someone get a real gift certificate, or a salary increase, in response to a job well done!

Amen

Adventures of Champu (The Analyst) - 2

Champu is happy today. Generally happy.
[everyone knows that Champu likes to solve unsolved mysteries when he is “Generally Happy”]

Today he picks up the famous problem – “Which of the IITs is better, Bombay or Delhi?” India Today tried to solve this problem a few years back. People preferred to use that edition to wipe their asses after they rated Jadhavpur University above IIT Delhi

Champu wants to settle this age old debate for once and all. In a flash of brilliance, he Googles “IIT Bombay” and “IIT Delhi”.

Results:

IIT Bombay is way ahead as compared to IIT Delhi (376,000 results to 150,000 results) The curious kid that Champu is, he dived deeper with his analysis

“IIT Bombay”, academics – “IIT Delhi”, academics: 43, 900 – 989!!

IIT Bombay Rocks!! but wait..

“IIT Bombay”, girls – “IIT Delhi”, girls: 9780 – 14,100

“IIT Bombay”, sex – “IIT Delhi”, sex: 624 – 10,000!!!!!!!!


Champu reaches an insightful conclusion “IIT Bombay is better overall, esp. good in academics. But Delhi guys have all the fun”

Adventures of Champu (The Analyst) - 1

[I am creating a fictitious character called Champu, loosely based on the characters of all the Boyzz. Champu is an engineer by education and is now working as a junior-most analyst in a consultancy firm.
Most of the incidents mentioned in these posts would be true. Some of the posts may end up being incredibly geeky (including this one), reader’s discretion is advised]
*******************************************

A very tiny Champu is standing inside an Excel cell trying to make sense of the number in that particular cell. He starts “tracing precedence” and moves from one cell to another using the trace marks. He will not give up until he reaches the original source. He needs to understand everything. After a long journey which involves moving through 5 workbooks, 74 worksheets and 3200 cells – Champu is understandably tired and confused.

And then the unimaginable happens.

Excel hangs up! All the walls around Champu begin to crumble and close on him. He is trapped and about to be crushed!

*A loud Scream*

Champu wakes up after yet another Excel Nightmare!

The Cowboy

Dhoni completely off-ground while executing a square-cuttish pull!!)








“Hum roj teen leeter doodh peete hain (I drink three litres of Milk everyday)”.

Dhoni personifies what Bihar is all about – raw, aggressive and down to earth. All of a sudden, Biharis all over the world are walking a few inches taller, finally having found a role model.

Dhoni phenomenon is just waiting to happen – I envision:

1. Patna Cowboys will become the most glamorous Cricket Franchise (once Cricket gets Americanized enough)
2. Doodh (Milk) bars will be the coolest hangout place for the hip and happening
3. Bihari Guys will become the hottest thing in the dating circle
   
4. Parents would rush to name their kids Doodhnath

(Dhoni waiting impatiently to blast the ball, in a golfish way. Notice his backswing and bend in the knees)

People Sensitive

You got to be “people sensitive” in Corporate America. This extreme fascination towards people sensitivity encourages an exciting cow-dung war at workplace. People know that they can Bull Shit/Beat around the Bush/Speak Nonsense/Make obvious and trivial statements without any fear of getting castrated.

There are a few standard ways of disagreeing at work. One always starts the response with:
1. “That’s a great point” or
2. “I completely agree” or
3. “I think we are on the same page” – and then

1. completely ignore the original point, or
2. make exactly the opposite point with utmost casualness

Somewhat fashionable but tricky:
Start the sentence with a “Yes and No”, agree with a trivial point to begin with and then rip apart rest of the argument

Example 1:

Intern: We can significantly boost the response to our offers if we make it sound like a request -> “Please, accept our credit cards, we will be grateful”

Veteran: That’s a great idea!! Keep making notes of all the ideas you have right now – infact, why don’t you pioneer an idea bank where everyone can deposit one’s ideas?

Intern (all fired up!): How about almost pleading to the customers -> “Please, please pleeease……

(My first manager actually told me to make “Idea Notes” when he was fed up with my never-ending stupid brainwaves)


Example 2:

Intern: Lets Fedex our mail offers to customers in big parcels and gift wrap them. Customers will certainly respond!!
Veteran: I completely agree! We should cut marketing cost by sending 3rd class recycled postcards


Example 3:

Veteran: I believe we should have customers - from all over the world and become a global player. Do you agree?

Big Boss: Yes and No. I completely agree that we should have customers. We would however focus on fairway county for the next ten years

I Wish

I wish workplace conversations went something like this:

Veteran: I am proposing a paradigm shift that would dynamically alter the consumer landscape!!
Intern: Maa C**** Hai? (F** U)

R.I.P. Tabaki

In memory of Tabaki, the love of my life, who died an untimely death on Saturday, Aug 20th at 10:35am in a road accident.

This is the only picture I have of Tabaki, taken in Feb '05 when I ran him into a shoulder after spinning on the Exit Ramp for 495.

Rest in Peace.

Hang Out One's Shingle - Corporate Lingo - 2

It’s interesting how all of a sudden a phrase comes from nowhere and becomes almost as popular as party poker. The phrases usually originate from the top and then percolate through the ranks. Within days, even the Tier 7 Desi/Chinese make some guesses as to what the phrases might mean and start using them with an awe-inspiring confidence.

(Aside: Reacting to the post “Stake in the Ground” – someone said, “Dooode, did you check before posting, I think it is “steak in the ground”. Perhaps, to him, putting his steak on the ground symbolizes that he is finished with his lunch and now talking serious business!)

Definition (Well, I did some research this time!)

[Shingle: A wooden board

Hang out one’s Shingle: Open an office, especially a professional practice, as in Bill's renting that office and hanging out his shingle next month. This American colloquialism dates from the first half of the 1800s, when at first lawyers, and later also doctors and business concerns, used shingles for signboards.] Source: Dictionary.com

In our context, I guess, it would mean creating an independent business identity for a team / defining what a team does through some small phrases etc.

Examples:

(I was amongst those who used this phrase with alarming frequency without really understanding it.):

Some Gems:

“We are chasing an ambitious shingle through this project”

“We will hang out a high shingle and then strive to achieve it. Even if we achieve half the shingle, it would be a job well done”

"Stake in the Ground" - Corporate Lingo - 1

I am starting a series where we would explore the currently “IN” phrases at work

This post features the omni-present phrase “Stake in the Ground”

Now-a-days, ranging from fresh college hires to the Big Bosses, almost everyone has been putting all kinds of stakes in every possible ground. I thought I would do some scholarly research on this phrase, but then decided to leave that for Chintu.

Interpreting it literally, I imagine a medieval warrior (of the leader types) furiously and ferociously forcing a stake through the ground and shouting expletives at the enemy.

In corporate America context, I imagine someone banging the table loud enough to attract everyone else’s attention (shutting them up in the process) and make loud but not necessarily logical statements. Softening it even further, I would guess it means taking a firm position on an issue / assuming ownership etc. etc.

Examples:

“I am putting a stake in the ground, and we will send popcorns with our offers”

“Let us put our stake in the ground, before they put their stake in the ground”

In fact I heard an Indian dude (I won’t reveal identity) saying:
“We will put our stick in the ground”

Well, to give it to him – stick can serve same purpose as stake – just look for a stick with sharp edge (or may be find a soft ground)


I Wish:

When the CRE folks had come to throw us out of the field, Mamu should have confronted them, actually put a real stake in the ground and should have declared “We will play Cricket”

To rub salt, we should have used those stakes as Cricket wickets.